Does True Love Really Exist?

Has anyone ever asked you if you believe in true love?  Well I know I've been asked that before and my answer has always been yes, but deep down I feel like true love doesn't exist, and fairytales don't exist either.  I've never been a very sappy kind of person, but I like to believe that everyone gets to live a happy ending, but they don't.  I'm only 18, but I have come to my senses that nobody can have a perfect relationship, and things don't work out for a reason.

I'm not saying I don't believe in love at all, because I do.  I believe that one day I will meet someone who I will fall in love with inside and out, but I also know that it won't be the fairytale I always imagined as a kid.  After living with divorced parents I learned that things don't work out for a reason.  Like I mentioned in my last blog post, my parents are the complete opposites of each other and they definitely weren't meant to be.  They both got remarried, but even now I'm noticing that marriage isn't just a cup of tea.

Is it bad to be scared of falling in love?  Am I different for being afraid of marriage?  I have a boyfriend at the moment, and he's great, but part of me knows that it's not going to last forever.  I'm going to college in a few months, and I'll be 12 hours away from him.  There's no way a long distance relationship can work between two college kids, no matter what anyone says.  It's hard for me to not get too attached, and I'm sure the same goes for him.  He only has one year left until he graduates college and then he's off to work as an engineer on ships all over the world.  My thoughts on this is to just enjoy the time we have together before it's gone.

The wonderful thing about being 18 is that I still have my whole life ahead of me.  I have time to find what I'm looking for, and I have all the time in the world to fall in love.  I always tell myself not to worry now because my main goal to achieve within the next five years is to become a nurse and get a steady job.  I truly believe that love will come to me when the time is right.  I'm going to stop looking for it and let it find me, because I believe that if it's mean to be it will be.  And everything happens for a reason.

A Bond Worth A Lifetime

Everyone has at least one person in their life whom they look up to and take trust in them in everything they do.  For me, this one person is my dad.  I'm not saying that I don't have other people in my life who I look up to, because I do and I thank them every day for everything they do for me, but my dad and I share a bond that nobody else shares with me.  We live five hours away from each other, which makes it harder, but it also makes our bond that much stronger.  I know that no matter what time of day it is I can call him and he will always answer.  I can cry to him for hours and he refuses to hangup until he knows I'm okay.

To go a little more in depth about our bond I'm going to start with the symbol on our hands.  If you take a look at your hand and fold it over, you will see two lines that make a crease.  My father and I are different.  When we fold our hands we only have one line that goes straight across.  When a baby is born one of the first things a doctor looks at is the baby's hand.  When he looked at mine he noticed my single line and immediately turned to my parents to see if one of them had the same line as me.  Fortunately, my dad had the line on his hand, and if he didn't it would have been a sign of down syndrome.  My whole life this line is the thing that has gotten me through some of the toughest times.

When I do get to see my dad we make the absolute best of the time we have together and we cherish every moment.  Every time I'm there at some point my dad will pull me to the side when we are alone and he will hold out his hand to me.  We put our hands up next to each other and place them line to line.  This single touch of the hand means more to me than anyone will ever understand.  I always remember that this touch won't last forever and one day my dad won't be here anymore.  Being able to share such emotional moments with him is something I will never forget until the day I die.  I couldn't ask for anyone else to share such a tight bond with me.

My dad and I are two of a kind.  We share the same thoughts and sometimes the same actions.  He knows exactly how to make me feel better even when I'm at my worst.  All he has to do is crack a chinese joke or two and it can turn my mood around faster than anyone else could.  One night when I was really stressed because of college crap he told me to get some rest and to stop my worries until the next day.  Well, the next morning I got a text from him at 7:11 in the morning and it said, "What do you call a fat chinese prostitute?  Chun-ki-ho.  Hope you have a better day today, xoxo dad."  It's the simple things like this that help me get through the hardest times, and I thank him every day for the love and support he gives me.

Just Put Your Mind To It

It all started when I was fourteen years old.  I wanted to take over my mother's lemonade stand at the Blue Hill Fair and make some money to call my own.  I had never had an actual job before, and I wasn't really sure if I would be mature enough to handle it on my own.  One day I asked my mom if she would let me work the booth the summer into my freshman year of high school.  I was so excited when she said I could, although I was nervous because I had never really done anything like that before.  I never knew how complicated it could be to work five days out of the year, and this is why.

First off, I started out borrowing money from my family because the supplies I needed were a lot more expensive than I ever thought it would be.  The lemons were over fifty dollars for a case, and I had to buy lot's of sugar, shaking containers, and I even had to pay to rent a spot at the fairgrounds.  I was hundreds of dollars out before I had even made anything.  I was scared that I wouldn't end up making enough money to pay my family back because it was a new experience and I felt like not many people would be interested in buying lemonade from a teenager.  I was wrong.

The first day of the fair had finally come, and I was more excited than ever before.  The thought of running something all by myself was a feeling I had never felt in my life.  A few hours had passed and I had only sold three lemonades.  I was devastated.  I thought for sure that I wouldn't be selling many lemonades at all because at that rate I was only selling one per hour.  My grandparents had a seafood booth right next to mine, and their booth was one of the most popular booths at the fair.  They kept reassuring me that business would be a lot better the next day, but I didn't really believe them.  They were right.

The second day came along and at about three in the afternoon I started getting more business than I could handle.  Believe it or not, I had to call my cousin to come help me because I was having trouble keeping up.  I had an amazing time interacting with all of the people and hearing how much they enjoyed my lemonade made me feel so happy.  The last day of the fair, bracelet day, was the best day I had because people were pouring in like no tomorrow.  I was so excited to have had such a great outcome and all my worries were down the drain.  I ended up making a lot more money than I could have imagined for a five day run at the Blue Hill Fair.  This experience taught me to never give up even when I feel like things won't get better.  Because they do.

The Problem With a Double Life

Lot's of people have divorced parents, and I know I'm not the only one who knows what it's like to live two different lives.  The thing is, my parents getting a divorce was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.  It's complicated and confusing, but I'm going to talk a little bit about the complications of living under two different types of rules.  My mom and dad got divorced when I was three years old, so it's pretty much the only lifestyle I have ever known.  

When I was three, my dad ended up moving to New Hampshire with my Nana right after the divorce.  I was devastated because I didn't understand why he was moving away from me.  I may have only been three, but I remember the exact day that he told me he was moving like it was yesterday.  I stayed in Maine with my mom and we ended up moving in with my grandparents for about a year.  I don't really remember much more, I actually don't even remember living with my grandparents, but my parents have told me the story a million times. 

Living with my mom has been an emotional roller-coaster.  I love my mom right to death, but we don't tend to agree on much of anything.  For the longest time she was really strict and wouldn't let me do much, but I deserved it because I would always give her an attitude.  My mom's rules were along the lines of no swearing, no drugs, which I don't do anyways, no boyfriends, etc.  When I was a freshman in high school I made a mistake and ended up getting grounded for four months, which didn't help our relationship at all.  I gave her hell because I was so angry, but once again I deserved it.  Fortunately, when I got my license my mom began to loosen up on me and she let me have more freedom.  I didn't want to lose her trust, so I was careful about the decisions I made.  Now that I'm 18 she doesn't really have many rules for me anymore, but thats because I'm responsible now and I'm careful of what I do because I know my sister is watching my every move.  

My dad on the other hand is the complete opposite of my mom.  COMPLETE OPPOSITE.  I've never met two people that are so different from each other.  They have different opinions and beliefs on every single thing, and I honestly don't know how they ever got married in the first place.  Anyways, my dad has always been the laid back parent in my life.  He really doesn't have any rules for me, as long as I'm smart.  He obviously wouldn't let me go out and do drugs and party every night, but he doesn't care if I date, swear, or go out with my friends whenever I want.  It's hard living five hours away from him, and soon I will be even further when I move to New York, but no matter what he is always there for me.  My step mom Christine is my best friend, and she and my mom don't get along at all.  This is the biggest complication in my life because my parents just don't agree on anything and I'm always the one in the middle of it.  

Although I get so stressed out living this double life, it is also the best thing that has ever happened to me.  If my parents hadn't gotten a divorce I never would have had two wonderful step parents or three half siblings.  Like I said in my previous post, my siblings mean the world to me, and I'm so happy to have them in my life.  I can't imagine what my life would have been like if my parents had stayed together, but I know I wouldn't have been nearly as fortunate as I am now.  People always say that everything happens for a reason, and I agree one hundred percent. 

What it's Really Like to be a Senior

As a senior in high school, I have experienced absolutely nothing that I had ever imagined four years ago.  All along I thought that my senior year would be the best year of my life.  Well, that's what everyone said anyways.  The thing is, senior year has actually been the most stressful year of my life so far.  What ever happened to having a fun and laid back last year with all my friends?  What ever happened to all the stories past generations have told me about how much fun this year would be?  All I know is that this has been the most unexpected year with lot's of letdowns.

In the fall I started realizing that this year wouldn't be as easy and laid back as I had thought.  I was on the varsity soccer team, and a leader that everyone looked up to.  I started becoming really stressed about halfway through the season because I just didn't have enough time to do my homework and study for Honors Anatomy and Physiology, which owns my life.  If I didn't live 40 minutes away from Bucksport I don't think it would be a problem, but getting home at 6,7, or 8 o'clock at night just wasn't my thing.  Being the person I am, I never gave up and I worked my butt off to maintain my grades and spot on the soccer team.  Being challenged in such a way only made me stronger, but it wasn't easy.

Right after Christmas time I started noticing that I hadn't accomplished anything outside of school that I had planned on doing this year.  I started losing social relationships with my friends because I was always so caught up on my schoolwork and studies that I ended up canceling plans with them.  All of this studying did make a difference, but I miss the old life I used to have.  The time when I could just do whatever after school or on the weekends without having to worry about homework and working at the nursing home.  I used to stay at Whitney's at least three nights a week and now I barely even go over there because of how busy I am.

I absolutely love my job, don't get me wrong, but it always seems to ruin my few plans that I do make.  Last time I went to bangor with a friend I ended up getting called into work as soon as I got there and had to leave just so I could go in.  I understand this is how it will be when I graduate college, but I'm not at the point yet.  When I graduate I will be ready to work every single day of my life for what I want, but why do I have to worry about that now?  All I know is I have just a few months left of my senior year, and I plan on making it the best few months that I possibly can.  Enough with all the stress, I'm done with it.  Studies will always come first, but it's time for me to start enjoying the little things in life before it is too late.

The Big Sister Life

My three younger siblings mean everything to me.  When I was eight years old my mother told me that she was pregnant and in a short amount of time I would be a big sister.  My first reaction after seeing the ultrasound picture was, "No that's not a baby, it's a rock forming in your belly."  I should have been excited, but I was as selfish as I could have possibly been at the time.  I was so used to having all the attention on me and only me.  I was scared that my new sister would replace me and my family would always play with her instead of me.

Nine months later Alyssa was born and I realized I was wrong all along.  I ended up falling in love with her the first time I ever got to hold her.  She was so little, and from that moment I knew I wanted to be the best big sister I possibly could be.  It's been nine years now and Alyssa and I are just as close as could be.  We fight all the time, but what siblings don't? If she ever needs anything she knows she can come to me because I was her age once too and I usually know exactly what she is going through.  I am proud to say I am her big sister and I love her more than she will ever know.

A couple years after Alyssa was born my dad and step mom had my sister Joscelyn.  I was excited to be a big sister to another child, but I knew things would be different because I didn't live in New Hampshire with my dad.  Joscelyn is seven now and she looks up to me for everything.  Even though I don't see her that much the bond we have is just the same as mine and Alyssa's, just in a different way.  It makes us cherish the time we have together even more because it is that much more meaningful.  I call her often and she calls me just as much.  I love hearing about her day at school and her "boy troubles."  Who knew a seven year old could already have gone through more boyfriends than me?  We may be five hours apart, and soon to be even farther when I go off to college in New York, but our relationship will never change.  I also love her more than she will ever know.

Six years ago my youngest sibling was born.  I was extremely excited because this would be my first brother and all I had ever known was what it was like to have sisters.  My brother Lucas always seemed to be the "better behaved" child out of the four of us.  He always seemed to have a closer bond with Alyssa because they were closer in age, but he still liked to spend time with me sometimes.  Now he is six years old and he is the complete devil child.  He backtalks me and my family, and always seems to get away with it.  He is spoiled rotten, but I still love him more than he will ever know.  I am incredibly thankful for my three siblings.